Nothing More, Nothing Less
This past fall, I’ve experienced more concerning relationships than possibly ever before. Most notably, I had my first REAL heartbreak as a somewhat adult woman. Sure, I’d been sad about different boys before but none that like this. For the reader going through this, I am so sorry; but also, please know that you can and will make it through what you’re feeling. You may still be confused, angry, and sad (and I’d recommend listening to Sam Smith’s new album if this is the case) but remember that this is only one chapter in your life.
Sounds cliche, huh?
One thing we should all take solace in when heartbreak comes our way is the beauty that falling for someone encompasses. It leaves us feeling like fools and to some regard, fairly so. However, truly nothing is more courageous than being vulnerable with ourselves, our emotions, and our intentions. Yet, how beautiful is it to sacrifice our own comfortability because we find the beauty in someone else to be something of value. If ever I’ve learned about kindness it is through love. I learned how to be kind to others and when things went poorly how to be kind to myself.
Remember that they’re a real person, and so are you.
As someone who watches way too many Rom Coms for her own good, I feel as though society can paint a very vivid idea of falling in love. We enter relationships with an exact image of falling in love, and so when we, or the other person deviates from it--YIKES. I’m learning that rather than a certain agenda or script, falling in love is about exploring another person and all that they were created to be. There’s something liberating in this. I found a new peace in my relationships when I allowed other people (and myself) to be a genuine version of themselves.
There’s also a peace here for when things don’t go as planned. I spent weeks obsessing over everything i’d done: did I kiss him wrong? Did he see me from a bad angle? Did I say something? Was it something I didn’t say? If I’m being totally honest, these questions still pop into my head if I see that person on campus or if someone mentions his name. I think this is just part of being human. Eventually, I realized that both of us are human. While that means we are uniquely talented, gifted, and created, it also means that we have lived through our own unique struggles and pain.
After I stopped seeing them, I wanted to hate this person. But I couldn’t. I was so frustrated with myself because I wanted to place the hurt I was feeling on that person’s shoulders but my heart wouldn’t let me. It then dawned on me: the reason I wasn’t angry and why I still felt butterflies around this person was because I had gotten to know them. I no longer could paint a one-dimensional image of them as a heartbreaker. I was angry and upset, yes, but not at him. I was mad at the struggles that this world had brought on him and how the resulting pain then manifested itself in him.
This was the primary lesson in kindness that I learned. A part of being kind to others is accepting the truth that hurt people, hurt people. I can’t do very much to change this person, but what I can do is pay attention to the hurt that I cause in this world. If I learn to hate the brokenness of our world versus the broken, my focus shifts from that of an egocentric “why would they hurt me” to a mindfulness of how I affect others. This change was a catalyst for the second lesson in kindness I learned - that just as this person’s hurt manifested itself within them, so does mine. I became more aware of the pain and bitterness that burdened my heart as it manifested itself in my soul. I slowly, but surely, began to see how my actions towards this person may have reflected the burdens of my heart rather than reflecting the essence of my soul.
If he reads this article, let this be my formal apology to him. As well as to other friends, family, and even past loves: I am truly sorry for allowing the pain of my heart to dwell within my soul and affect the ways I interact with those around me.
Fortunately, there is more to myself and others than hurt. In fact, there is so much more. I want to devote my time and energy to celebrating all of the more in people. In my relationships with others, I want to celebrate all that they are. I want to learn to celebrate all that I am within my relationship with myself; to not let this hurt linger within me and let go. We deserve that kind gesture to ourselves.
Nothing more, nothing less.
